4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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