How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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