Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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