I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
