I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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