Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
