My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
