your parents love me but you hate me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
