she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
