Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
