I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
