wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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