we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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