I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
