in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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