i wish my penis had a tongue
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize