Yo dont text me then not text me
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
