weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
