My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
