HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize