Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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