What did we do last night that was yellow?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
