I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
