Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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