Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I could fuck to npr.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
