remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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