i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
