You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
