Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
