last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
