Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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