It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
