I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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