I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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