We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize