Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
