So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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