I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
