The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize