i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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