I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
