When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He has the fingertips of a God
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