youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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