Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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