I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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