he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
