We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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