I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
