I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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