Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
