So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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