conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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