What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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