wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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