I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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