How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize