So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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