And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize