I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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