we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
