Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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