So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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