Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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