it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
