Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize