Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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