It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
