found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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