I saw his package. It spoke to me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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