You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
