i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
