The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
