So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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