Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
