I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
