I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
