I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
