Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize